Goodbye, girl.

I have decided that it is time to say goodbye to Rachel’s Rambles.

This probably won’t come as a surprise given the increasing spans of time between posts. But alas, I had to write you one more time. I cannot ghost this site, even as I feel the just short of irrefutable urge to simply delete it and move on with my life.

Rachel’s Rambles is a record of such a huge part of that life. It is a chronicle of my greatest triumphs and woes, each having been acknowledged in some way on this site.

But I’m not the girl who started this blog anymore.

I’m different.

My speech is different.

My actions.

Even the way I’m taking my coffee is different (with protein powder; I’m old).

The truth is, one day, rather a series of days, I woke up and the reality repeatedly sucker-punched me.

I am no longer the carefree, ambitious, radical girl I once was.

I’m a little harder, now. A little more wizened. And sure, a little more cynical.

The inevitability of life is that it steals the innocence of youth.

For a time, I fought back. Tried to retain the her I used to be.

Not too long ago, I read an article about the fight to stay the same (I can’t find it now, but if you know the one, please comment the link for proper accreditation). The need to hold on with every ounce of strength to our former selves as proof that life didn’t get to us. It’s futile. Life does get to us, to all of us. And sometimes it completely destroys, then builds back up, so that we are no longer recognizable even to ourselves. The only way to move forward is to let go.

The last five years have completely transformed who I am.

Yes, I still pente-dance in public, eat an inordinate amount of fries, and sport the color black like there isn’t another option…

I laugh till I cry and I lose my voice from sharing too many musings with too many strangers.

More importantly, my values remain.

Most importantly, my love for God stands steadfast.

I still believe what I believe.

But my relationship with Him has evolved; it has traversed into deeper waters. And with Him, my ideology, my understanding has shifted.

It needed to.

I was never meant to stay… her.

I was meant to become me.

And I’m still trying to figure out just who that is.

I only know this much: it’s time to let her go.

It’s time to say goodbye.


To all my family, friends, readers:

You are so desperately loved. Thank you for supporting my rambling for so long. I had no idea the impact this blog would have, and I’m so grateful to have shared my heart with the world. Literally.


Rachel’s Rambles has been visited 169,000+ times by 156 nationalities.

Click here to see a complete list.

Goodbye, girl.

23 Lessons (Re)learned

  1. The couch is comfy, but that comfy feeling is only concealing regret. Get up and do things. You don’t have to go cross-country to have a ball (though it definitely helps). Make the most of every Saturday by checking out museums, parks, and other wacky things.
  2. Take the chance. Life is short. Sometimes the chance comes with risk: like going on a date with an islander in a foreign country (okay, so he was a Canadian and I’m not sure that counts, but still) or putting your heart on the line with a friend. Neither of those ventures panned out for me, but that’s okay. Sometimes chance rides side-saddle with pain. Sometimes it runs free-spirited with rewards.
  3. Laugh. Actually, make appointments for it. John Crist and Tim Hawkins comedy shows undid more emotional damage than all my therapy sessions combined.
  4. Go to the doctor. It’s a hassle, a definitive nuisance, but regular check-ups save lives. Don’t be a missed diagnosis because you were too busy building a life to care for it.
  5. Jump on a fandom bandwagon. They’re a great deal of fun. Just don’t become obsessed. No matter how entertaining the fandom is, it can’t possibly replace the sheer ecstatic of worshiping our Savior.
  6. Worship harder, longer, every time. Feelin’ it? Don’t care. It’s not about you. And while you’re at it, worship at home. Dancing like a lunatic isn’t just reserved for praise breaks in church. Bobby pins should go flying no matter where you are dancing, especially when you don’t feel like it. And exude praise, especially when you’re tired. Sacrificial worship only occurs when you’re not feeling it, not feeling up to it, not feeling at all. If you’re scared of what people think, you’re nailing it.
  7. Meet new people. The process is uncomfortable, but it’s also fascinating. Their stories will fuel your own.
  8. Celebrate people. Not everyone is going to be in your life forever, so celebrate them while they are still around you.
  9. Keep standing for what you believe in, even if it makes people mad at you. But be nice about it. You don’t have to tear down the beliefs of others to demonstrate your own.
  10. Be a Christian before you are an American. Your country is amazing, your eternity is better. It’s okay to care about the state of affairs, but if your American beliefs begin to overrule your Christian beliefs, who is truly your god? So just shut up more often and love like Christ did, even if it lands you on a cross. And by the way, if it does, carry the thing. Pray for the souls who gave it to you. Don’t nail them to it instead.
  11. You’re required to try at least once, even twice, but then you’re allowed to walk away. If someone is hurting you, and they repeatedly disregard your attempts to kindly bring the situation back on track, you are allowed to walk away.
  12. Look up. Never forget your significant insignificance.
  13. Explore your own backyard. Adventures are still adventures, even when they’re just in your state or just in your city or just in your backyard.
  14. There is a literal devil on your shoulder. Beat the crap out of him.
  15. Finance support groups are fun. Yeah the discussion is about money (and usually how we’re failing with it), but at least we’re talking. We’re being vulnerable and sharing our dreams and aspirations. It’s beautiful.
  16. Don’t waste your time envying the gifts of others. God has painted unique strengths on you to perfectly fit your piece of His puzzle, so perfectly that the seam is invisible. Don’t screw the puzzle up by trying to duplicate the piece next to you. There are nooks and crannies you were never meant to fit, and there are nooks and crannies that desperately need you.
  17. There’s not much to glean from TV. Books, however, are a rich source of inspiration and knowledge. That said, you don’t have to collect them. A bookshelf can very quickly become a source of guilt instead of inspiration.
  18. Create from the soul. Words. Speeches. Conversations. Paintings. Dramas. Songs. Prose. Life.
  19. When nostalgia hits and you forget all the why not’s, force yourself to sit back and do and say nothing until the wave goes away and sanity returns.
  20. Take time to remember. Go through your photo album, read old blog posts, scroll through old timelines. Remember who you were, where you were; use remembering as fuel for planning.
  21. You are the only one preventing you from anything. You want to dance in public? Dance. You want to learn a language? Learn. You want to adventure? Adventure. Stop complaining and just do it already.
  22. People will never live up to your expectations. You will get hurt, and it will happen every single time. Yes, sometimes it will cut you like a knife, and you will bleed and ache and cry. But don’t stop expecting. Without expectations, there is nothing to keep us striving to be and do and believe better. Lord knows you are relying on others to expect greatness of you.
  23. Except in the case of Heaven, the journey, the anticipation, is always better than the destination. And that’s okay. After all, you were designed to be just passing through.

Here’s to the next year of life. 

23 Lessons (Re)learned

Own every decision you make.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood and teen years of late. Mostly, I’ve been thinking about how productive they were in comparison to my 20s thus far. That’s a little lot sad. But anyway.

I’ve also been thinking about what I would tell myself if I could go back in time. After mulling this over for a week or so, I came to the conclusion that it would be: “Own every decision you make.”

I don’t mean to own it by flaunting (which is apparently the new definition??), but by taking ownership. As in: taking responsibility.

Something that really gets under my skin is when people say “have to.” No matter what they’re referencing, if they’re not a paralytic whose every body movement is only made possible through others, they don’t “have to” do anything. They choose to. I choose to.

Every single thing I’ve ever done has been because I chose to do it.

Even if someone has a literal gun pointed at my literal head, if I do something they demand, it is because I choose to do it to avoid death. It is not because I have to do the thing, but because I want to do it in order to live.

I’m frequently accused of seeing the world as a black and white picture.

First off all, why is it a bad thing to only see the world in black and white? Everybody loves a good black and white picture. Especially us minimalists.

Ahem.

The truth is: I see all the colors that other people see – all the shades of green and blue and red and yellow. I even see purple, though I wish I didn’t. But what I also see is that every color is rooted in either black or white, and therefore is, in essence, black or white.

If we boil it all down like this, understanding there is a root to everything is a pretty good way to start second-guessing your decisions.

To start taking ownership.

Because if you don’t.. well, that’s how we got purple, people.

But more seriously, similar to color, every single action is rooted in one of two things: good or evil.

This is why it is so stinking important to take ownership of our decisions!

Every decision we make results in some kind of action, and, as we all learned in grade-school science, every action has a reaction. These reactions are always a reward or consequence.

Sure, sometimes they’re both to some degree (hello shades of gray). But for the most part, reactions can be filed under one category or the other. If you’re struggling to figure out whether an action is good or evil, look at the reaction.

What is the consequence/reward of eating an entire bag of chips?

What is the consequence/reward of a catnap?

What is the consequence/reward of standing up for the downtrodden?

What is the consequence/reward of gossip?

What is the consequence/reward of holding onto an extra sweater?

What is the consequence/reward of telling your neighbor about Jesus?

Once we decide what the consequence or reward is (which may vary person to person), we can make a decision fairly quickly. It doesn’t mean that we always make the right decisions, but we do decide.

And also, there’s no one making us.

I wish there was. I wish I could blame someone else for my teenage rebellion years, or for my past with pornography, or for my choice to take out student loans for a degree I never got around to completing.

But those decisions were my own.

I chose to talk back basically every single time my mom gave me instruction.

I chose to wander onto sites I never should have been on.

I chose to ignore the Holy Spirit nudging my heart in directions other than college.

I’ve had to live with the consequences of those decisions: the tumultuous relationship I had with my mom for years, the shame of having a past and the fight against temptation to return to it when life hits lows, the payments wasted on a loan I didn’t need that could have gone to travel or ministries.

I didn’t own my decisions then. I tried to blame my relationship with mom on her behavior; honey, it takes two to fight. I tried to blame my struggle with pornography on the rampant access the world provides us through internet; honey, you can turn off the computer. I tried to blame my college choices on the pressure society puts on me to conform; honey, you were made to be transformed, not conformed.

But I do own my decisions now.

In fact, I actively choose to take ownership of my decisions. I tell people, “I don’t want to,” instead of “I can’t.” I tell people, “I’m sorry,” instead of “Well if you hadn’t done blah, then I wouldn’t have been forced to blah.”

I take ownership of my decision to drink coffee every morning.

I take ownership of my decision to take out a $23,500 loan for my car.

I take ownership of my decision to cut people out of my life who were toxic and bleeding me dry.

Why?

Because when I don’t take ownership, when I foolishly blame my life, my circumstance, my environment on someone else, I make bad decisions.

And I don’t want to live with the consequences of those bad decisions.

If I accept the responsibility of my life, my free will, my God-given right to direct the course of my future, I choose good things.

Like road trips across the country with my sister.

Like starting a Bible study with my Mormon neighbors.

Like serving God on the mission field of Ohio through Undignified Event.

Like family dinners with my mom.

Like God-talks with my brother.

Like reading the Word.

Like praying.

Like answering the call of God.

Like dancing for Jesus as though I may never get another chance.

Own every decision you make.