I have decided that it is time to say goodbye to Rachel’s Rambles.
This probably won’t come as a surprise given the increasing spans of time between posts. But alas, I had to write you one more time. I cannot ghost this site, even as I feel the just short of irrefutable urge to simply delete it and move on with my life.
Rachel’s Rambles is a record of such a huge part of that life. It is a chronicle of my greatest triumphs and woes, each having been acknowledged in some way on this site.
But I’m not the girl who started this blog anymore.
My speech is different.
Even the way I’m taking my coffee is different (with protein powder; I’m old).
The truth is, one day, rather a series of days, I woke up and the reality repeatedly sucker-punched me.
I am no longer the carefree, ambitious, radical girl I once was.
I’m a little harder, now. A little more wizened. And sure, a little more cynical.
The inevitability of life is that it steals the innocence of youth.
For a time, I fought back. Tried to retain the her I used to be.
Not too long ago, I read an article about the fight to stay the same (I can’t find it now, but if you know the one, please comment the link for proper accreditation). The need to hold on with every ounce of strength to our former selves as proof that life didn’t get to us. It’s futile. Life does get to us, to all of us. And sometimes it completely destroys, then builds back up, so that we are no longer recognizable even to ourselves. The only way to move forward is to let go.
The last five years have completely transformed who I am.
Yes, I still pente-dance in public, eat an inordinate amount of fries, and sport the color black like there isn’t another option…
I laugh till I cry and I lose my voice from sharing too many musings with too many strangers.
More importantly, my values remain.
Most importantly, my love for God stands steadfast.
I still believe what I believe.
But my relationship with Him has evolved; it has traversed into deeper waters. And with Him, my ideology, my understanding has shifted.
It needed to.
I was never meant to stay… her.
I was meant to become me.
And I’m still trying to figure out just who that is.
I only know this much: it’s time to let her go.
It’s time to say goodbye.
To all my family, friends, readers:
You are so desperately loved. Thank you for supporting my rambling for so long. I had no idea the impact this blog would have, and I’m so grateful to have shared my heart with the world. Literally.
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