As some of my long-time readers know, my family went through a very dark period in 2015 that required a lot of forgiveness for all of us. Since then, I’ve made a couple of casual remarks about what that period entailed, but haven’t gone into too much depth. There are several reasons for that:
- I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, namely my parents’.
- I was dealing with a lot of frustration and didn’t want to say the wrong thing, only to regret it later.
- My family was dealing with a lot of pain and we kind of shied away from the public eye for a while.
But on November 6th, two years will have passed since the day that marked the end of my parents’ marriage, and with that time I have adopted a new snark that I’d like to share with you all (LOL). Okay, don’t be scared. It won’t be that bad!
Something I learned through the whole mess of their divorce is that everyone has something to say about it when a couple parts ways, and if they are at all connected to the family, they feel very entitled to do so.
I was thinking about these comments this morning and decided that I wanted to share. First, to respond to people (#passiveaggressive #notreally #iwilltellyoutoshutuptoyourface) who may have these questions or thoughts, and second, to caution others to be careful of what they say to people in these situations. Words are so much sharper than sticks and stones, and they can haunt you for years.
DISCLAIMER (because what’s an offensive post without one?): If you said or asked any of these to someone in my family, don’t stress about it. Lord knows I have said far worse. Also, we’ve already forgiven you and love you dearly. ❤
I’m not surprised you ended your relationship with your boyfriend. I knew when you started dating him that you were just trying to fill the void your dad left.
My parents’ relationship has nothing to do with my own. I may be a little more cynical and snarky now (delightfully so 😉 ), but that doesn’t mean I only date to fill a void my dad created. I date because I want to fill the void GOD created in me, and in you, and in every creature- that intense void resulting from the knowledge that we are only half of a whole. The knowledge that God has a help-meet out there somewhere for each of us.
What did your mom do for your dad to leave?
This is absolutely none of anyone’s business. Second of all, believe it or not, sometimes the decision to get divorced rests squarely on the shoulders of one person. But because I don’t believe in secrets, let me clear this one up: my dad left. My mom wanted counselling, but my dad felt that he could not be dissuaded and counseling was a waste of time. If you ask him, he will tell you she did nothing wrong (BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T YOU DUMB DUMB) and he left entirely of his own volition.
I know exactly what you’re going through. When I was a kid…/When I got divorced…
Honey, every situation is different. Even if the situation weren’t different, every personality is. you cannot possibly fathom what is running through the hearts and minds of people who are not you, whether you’ve been in their “exact” situation or a similar one.
I had a dream last night that your dad came back to your mom and begged for forgiveness. I feel like God wanted me to share that with you.
Darling, your dream was more than likely something your subconscious built based on your desire to see my parents reunited. God didn’t necessarily want you to share it with me, just because you woke up feeling sadness intermixed with the hope your subconscious gave you. Please don’t pass on false hopes as God-revelations, as the children of divorce, we have enough damage to heal without adding false prophecies to the list. Let’s be real here, you’re “God” word is more of a “can I get more info” word.
I just want you to know that I’ve been praying and I feel like God is going to help your dad forgive your mom and come back to her.
Oh sweet heart, do not presume to know a situation based on your limited view of what happened. Just because the person who left, well, left, doesn’t make them the one in the right. Shame on you for making assumptions about my parents. But aside from that – it is never okay to put words in God’s mouth. Don’t tell me something you “feel like” might happen.
I told your mom before she married him that he’s trouble. I wish she would have listened to me!
You could not possibly have known the end result of my parent’s 24-year marriage before they wed. Also, OUCH. You’re saying that my mom shouldn’t have married him, which means she shouldn’t have had kids with him, which means I shouldn’t exist. How very sweet of you, boo. ❤
I always had a bad feeling about him. I knew something was off.
Shut up. My dad was and is a great dad. He has faults but so do you and I. He has struggles, but SO DO YOU AND I. Like c’mon, you had no clue what was going to happen so just stop. If you really did know, then shame on you for not coming forward before the damage was done to prevent this. SHAME ON YOU. (Sorry, this one really irks me. LIKE A FREAKING LOT.)
The reason I’m a writer and fibro-fighter is because of my dad. He taught me to love the written word and to fight with everything in me when someone writes you off with a death sentence.
The reason I know so much about the Word of God and have a heart after Him is because of BOTH of my parents raising me to love Him, seek Him, and know Him. My dad never turned me away with hard questions, he turned me to the Word. He financially and emotionally supported me every time I took on a hard thing like Undignified Event or buying my first car.
Also, the reason I still believe in fairy-tale romance is because of my dad and mom. Their highschool-sweethearts-turned-married-ministers marriage was the stuff of legends.
SO JUST SHUT UP.
Okay, I’m done now.
I ran into your dad the other day and really told him off for you.
HOW DARE YOU. Did you so quickly forget the Word of God that is chock-full of mercy, grace, compassion, tenderness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, humility, love?
No matter what my dad does, he does not deserve to be told off by you. The ONLY people with a right to “tell him off” are my mom, siblings and myself, yet even WE don’t see a need for that. SO HOW DARE YOU BRAG ABOUT BEING A JERK TO MY DAD?!
He hurt me, yes. But he is still my dad.
It’s going to be okay. / It’s not the end of the world.
You don’t know that it will be okay, and yeah, it’s not literally the end of the world but it is the end of my world. Everything I’ve known has now been called into question, my family is no longer what it was, and now my world is fragmented. I have to relearn how to do birthdays, holidays, big moments (graduation, weddings, etc.). So yeah, it’s not the end of the literal world, it’s not even the end of your figurative world. But it is the end of mine, so please consider that when you’re gung-ho and cheerful while I’m sobbing in the darkness of my room at night.
This will work for your good, just like that verse says.
This very well-intentioned word is the hardest of all to hear. When you are going through such a world-ending experience, hearing that it is for your good is a terrible pill to try to force down. Especially when it’s taken from a Scripture that is taken so far out of context that it’s ridiculous.
Not everything that happens to me is for my good. That’s just not what the Scripture says.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Did you see that? It doesn’t say “this thing,” it says “all things.” It doesn’t say “to you,” it says “to them.” Would you tell martyrs in China that their persecution is for their good? No, but that persecution in combination with faith is good for the entire body of Christ. The entire body.
Trials are not just for us, often times they’re for others. Other times, they’re just the bragging rights of God (Job). That can be a bitter pill to swallow, but we with our finite minds cannot possibly fathom the depths of His infinite mind. We don’t have to. All we have to do is trust that no matter what comes our way, eventually the suffering of this life will be over. No matter what we face, that in combination with the entirety of our lives lived in faith will work for all our good, when in the end, we dance down streets of gold.
No matter what, if we keep fighting the good fight, we win in the end. 🙂
Now that I’ve vent/spewed a little.. What are some silly things well-meaning people have said to you during a hardship in your life?