IT.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my blog lately (of course, you’d never know it with the lack of posting). I suppose you could say I’ve been going through a quarter life crises.

After clicking “schedule post” for the hair care routine a couple months back, I started browsing through my previous work.

There was a lot of it…

but it didn’t amount to much.

I can count on less than two hands the number of posts that I’m truly proud of, posts that truly meant something to me as I wrote them: one, two, three, four, five, six.

Six posts. Six posts out of the hundred-something that were published.

While the other posts may have been helpful, inspired readers, or even taken hours to write, they just don’t have ITIT is a tiny little voice in the back of my dusty heart screaming “SPEAK UP! SOMEONE NEEDS TO SAY THIS!

The sad thing is that I hear the IT screaming in my heart all the time, I just ignore the shouting because I don’t think people care to read what IT has to say.

That’s a sad thing, isn’t it? To silence your voice steve-jobs-quotebecause you think people won’t want to listen?

The serial stupid part of all this is that every time I caved to IT’s demands, the posts got more attention. They went viral among subscribers and one went viral around the world.

So why do I hold back? Why do I ignore IT? Why not let the tiger out of its cage, the monster out of its closet, the cat out of.. the bag?

The truth is, that in an effort to be honest, I have satisfied myself by occasionally sprinkling “honest posts about me” in a mix of informational posts that I think readers will actually enjoy.

About a year ago, I re-branded Rachel’s Creative Outlet (throwback! who remembers those days?) to Rachel’s Rambles. I did it because I realized that my blog wasn’t a place for printables and DIYs like I originally expected. Instead, it had become the chronicles of a young adult learning how to do life.

I wanted to embrace the newness of the direction, but I was timid. I didn’t think my life or thoughts could possibly be of interest (I realize I’m a walking cliché as every blogger in the world goes through this and posts about it after).

I posted loads of how-tos and lists, each written based on what I thought my readers would find intriguing to read. Most of the posts flopped with only a few site hits that I suspect were “click on post, skim first sentence, close post” interactions.

The funny thing is that, away from the screen, I’ve never been intimidated by speaking up. I am infamous for telling everyone what I think and feel about everything, including things that are absolutely none of my business. I could sit down and have a four hour debate on whether we made it to the moon and whether veganism is the cure for humanity with no nervous reaction. But if I sit down to address that on a computer screen, words blazed on a foreign terrain that will forever speak of my character.. well, I just freak out, then ramble on about using day planners and making the perfect hot cocoa.

I want to be my truest blogger me, and that means I like to tell stupid stories about my life, talk about the hardships of chronic illness and the ever-developing journey of my faith. I like to address things in the world that hurt me or hurt others by speaking up on sensitive topics with love.

Because of this, I have decided that I need to write more honestly. When IT starts having a panic attack and screeching, I’ll give IT a microphone. I’ll work hard to make sure to follow the new guideline that it matters what I write, because what I write matters. IT may not matter to everyone, but IT matters to some and that is beyond enough to satisfy me.

I recently told a friend of mine, over a warm mug of coffee of course, that I’m called to write. I know that I am. I don’t always know what to write or the perfect way to write it, but with thealber-elbaz teeny effort I have put thus far into my blog, God has already used it to speak to tens of thousands of people. That just boggles my mind.

There are so many things in this world that need addressing in loving compassion. I’m not saying this will become a soap-box blog (God knows we do not need more of those), but it will become a more accurate representation of me.

Can I get really real for a second? I’m so stupid tired of the number one Christian voices heard on media platforms being hateful and condemning. There are Christians out there who love and don’t think that sin counts you out. If it did, we would all be lost. I’m so stupid tired of moats being taunted through beam-blinded eyes.

And I’m equally tired of the number two Christian voices heard on media platforms celebrating “do whatever you want, there is only love and grace!” There are Christians out there who believe that sin is wrong and that God died to save us from that sin and that we do not have to keep choosing sin. I’m so stupid tired of the trend in our culture that every man and woman can do what is right in their own eyes.

But aside from those things, there are so many stories in this world that need told. I’m amazed every time I have the opportunity to meet someone new and hear about their adventures, their sorrows, their passions. I want to record them so future generations can dig through our history.

And still more, I want to write about me. I know that’s selfish and silly and maybe even a little immature, but my ENFP personality just can’t help it. I like to talk about my day or week, how I’m holding up under the endless attack of fibro, what my travels have amounted to and what dreams I have for the future. I want this blog to record those things for me and for the world; to make a semi-permanent mark on a semi-permanent world.

I just paused my efforts in writing this post to review all the posts I had published over the years. Two hours of deleting the embarrassing works, posts that just inspired a “bleh” feeling, and anything that didn’t fit my newly-realized focus, and IT is rejoicing. With every click of the “delete” button, IT breathed more easily, and even giggled a little on the side.

I am passionate about life, people, and stories. I like to chat, I like to ramble, I like to rant.

It’s time I write like IT.

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