Monday Morning Confession


I made another trip to the ER on Thursday and was diagnosed with yet another chronic illness, bringing my current total to six. I need to be real, so here’s real. After missing church (again) because of killer pain in my neck and partial blindness, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to give up. Oh how I wanted to.

There’s only so much pain, fatigue and overall illness a person can take. But for some reason, even if I scream “I GIVE UP!!” I keep going.

Some of you may wonder how I keep on going.. The simple answer is this:

My God.

I’m not trying to be that cliché Christian who thanks God for all the good and curses Satan for all the bad. But I do believe, firmly, that God is the only reason I’m still here. There have been some dark nights when the depression comes swinging at me and if it weren’t for His grace, I would have succumbed. It reminds me of a childhood favorite song by BarlowGirl (WAS ANYONE ELSE HEARTBROKEN WHEN THEIR BAND SPLIT UP?! Sorry, I don’t know why I screamed that.) called One More Round. You should take a listen to that sometime. If it’s not your musical style, sorry.. I know it’s a tad different. heh

But back to the point:

God’s timing is impeccable. Just when I’m on the verge of calling this whole fighting back thing off, He shows up out of nowhere. Take yesterday for instance. I was laying on my couch, angry-upset about missing church and trying to get in some Bible reading (but not able to read well because of the whole partial blindness thing), then suddenly Drops in the Ocean by Hawk Nelson starts playing on the radio. It was the lyric “It breaks My heart to see you suffering, ’cause I am for you, I’m not against you!” that first captured my attention.

When the chorus followed, speaking intently of God’s love for me, the tears began to fall and I just wept and wept and wept. That really ugly sobby cry that none of us likes to admit we do from time to time.

If you wanna know how far my love can go
Just how deep
Just how wide
If you wanna see how much you mean to me
Look at my hands
Look at my side
If you could count the times I’d say you are forgiven
It’s more than the drops in the ocean

Oi, was that a timely message or wasn’t it? Yet again, just when I needed Him to show Himself, He appeared. I am so thankful for His mercy and love, for His strength and tenderness.

I hope you will listen to this song and just let it wash over you as a reminder of His grace.

Has there been a time in your life when God showed Himself exactly when you needed Him to?

Monday Morning Confession

2 thoughts on “Monday Morning Confession

  1. I love both of the songs you mentioned. I actually just came across the one by barlow girl last night while going through some old music. I don’t know everything you are going through and I can’t compare my pain to yours but I have had similar feelings wash over me before. I have also screamed into the night “I’m done!” And “God, please just take me.” It’s a very low time but thankfully, as you said, we serve a God who is always there when we need Him most.”

    Liked by 1 person

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